De-stress with these jokes. 2. Why are we stoppin? You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. So great intuition, random lady on the train! The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. Mariner Books. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Im not happy but Im definitely not Madison either. I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. Although, I was at the library today. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. My lips are sealed, bro. 20. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. 24. The suspension is giving me anxiety. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. The other frightens birds and small animals. I didnt get much sleep. And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. And lets not tell them either. Now I have SoCal anxiety. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. I have to for health reasons. Theyre beautiful. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Why do Indians love New York? 1. I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. Because thats where the mini apple is! And Im from fucking Pakistan. Think about that, thats true. Alongside hilarious jokes and . New York, NY 10003. The Yankees are supposed to win. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? You feel sorry for the dog. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. So, yeah. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? 16. 42. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. The city that never sleeps. ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? $27.99. I could never live there. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. A Cyclone. Simpson. Last on the list is New York Puns. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. Made it to the Statue of Liberty. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? Im Central Park-ing here. There are so many ways to die here. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. 60. Relationships are hard in NYC. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Where do New York chefs get their broth? New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Illustrated. 32. 38. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. 3. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? 46. Racist topics make me nervous. There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was indeed in the film, and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Thats sick! Dana Gould. Theyd say, There goes Obama! 161. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Yeah, they really dropped the ball. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. . Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. 20. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. You would never do that in another situation. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! 42 Nerdy Jokes that work like Gravity you cannot put them down! New York has tasty hot dogs. Good call. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? 9. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. These cookies do not store any personal information. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Who was your source on that, New York Post? There are over 8 million people in this city. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., Everybody in New York has lost their minds. 22. 23. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Check out this list and pick out your favorites. 1. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. 52. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Two Towers. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . Well, we have both of them. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Feeling loopy? 39. New Yorkers are confusing. Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now theyre trying to give you the gist. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? . 98. 47. New Yolk. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. Your email address will not be published. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. 58. I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Boss! I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. Americans are heading to bed. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC? Since that time he has been . I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. New York City in One Liner Jokes. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. I live in New York. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. 105. Because crap floats. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . newyorkcomedyclub.com. Yeah. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. Because thats where the mini apple is! Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. Yeah, its be a hard drive. 19. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? If this is your stop, get off. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. In span-ish. 167. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. I like having neighbors who arent writing screenplays. Rick Reynolds, I do love America. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? Its an incredible place to live. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. Best New York City Jokes for Kids 1. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Things change, even at the bodega. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! Tire-less. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Where do eggs go on vacation? I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. None, they just beat the room for being black. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? 28. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. 40. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Lets go west., 78. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. 10. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. 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